Everyone has a certain vibe they give off. However, that vibe can change in different situations, like when you’re under stress or with friends. That means you can control your vibe. Doing so is powerful because people around you feed off it.
Most of the time, you can let your vibe reflect how you’re feeling. Doing so is effortless, and it’s good to be your authentic self. But there are situations that call for self-control, when some vibes are helpful and others are detrimental. For example, when you’re on a first date, you want a positive and engaging vibe, even if you’re tired or have had a bad day. You’re still being you, just adjusting your vibe to meet that moment.
In the workplace, you need to adjust your vibe for certain circumstances, such as interviewing, dealing with a crisis, giving bad news or constructive feedback, and having a career conversation. Most of the time, it’s helpful to have your vibe match your feelings, but these special situations require something more. Let’s talk about each one and how your vibe can hurt or help your goals.
Eric Aside
This column is about vibes in critical conversations. It’s not about vibe coding. For AI’s impact on software engineering, read Is The Terminator coming for you?
For more on the importance of authenticity, read I’m not all that, Managing your management, and Everybody wants to rule the world.
Getting to know you
The goal of an interview is to help you and the employer decide if you are a good fit for each other. When you give off a disinterested, hostile, or insincere vibe, the employer is likely to sense you’re a bad fit, even if you just happen to be tired, annoyed, or cynical that day.
For interviews, a worried or anxious vibe is expected. If it helps you feel better, you can say that you’re nervous, and interviewers will understand. Many people assume you need a confident vibe when you interview, but a humble vibe is fine too.
The main vibe you want to convey in an interview is genuine interest. You want to appear interested in the job, the team members, and the products and services involved. That’s why it’s important to research the employer before your interview. If you’re interested in the employer, then they’ll be more interested in you.
Eric Aside
For more on interviewing, read The interview and Out of the interview loop.
Eye of the storm
During a crisis, many people panic or freeze, wasting valuable time and effort and potentially making the situation worse. You don’t want a world-is-ending out-of-control vibe.
Instead, the right vibe for a crisis is one of calmness and control, particularly if you’re a leader. You could be feeling panic and worry inside, but outside, your voice is cool and collected. (You can use mindfulness techniques to calm yourself.) Your decisions should be unhurried, thoughtful, and authoritative. You should make your strategy and expectations clear and then hold people accountable for executing them. You provide the firm foundation and reliable shelter for your teammates to ride out the storm.
Eric Aside
For more on handling crises, read Crisis management and Making lemonade.
Give it to me straight
It can be dicey to give people bad news or constructive feedback. When the bad news is, in part, your fault, you should apologize and be accountable. When the constructive feedback is tough to hear, you could feel sorry and empathetic. However, if your vibe is overly contrite, you invite blame and vitriol, distracting from other causes and issues.
If you’re not the problem, you could give off a superior and/or annoyed vibe, but that invites defensiveness and resentment. You could give off an innocent, I’m-just-the-messenger vibe, but that invites dismissiveness and irrelevance. Overall, you might feel sorry, annoyed, and only be the messenger, but those aren’t the vibes to emphasize.
Caring is the best vibe for providing bad news or constructive feedback. Regardless of the situation, you should care about the people involved and what’s happening. When you sound like you care (because you do), you invite cooperation, collaboration, and a focus on making things better.
Eric Aside
For more on providing feedback and bad news and, read Give it to me straight, I’m listening (to feedback), I messed up, and You’re late.
How am I doing?
It’s important to have career conversations with your manager every one to three months. If you don’t have these conversations at least once every quarter, you’ll lack the feedback you need to stay on track.
When you’re talking about career progress, it’s natural to be deferential to your boss since he or she has control over your rewards and promotions. However, that subservient vibe makes you seem unsure and willing to accept whatever you get. Being overconfident and entitled is just as bad because it’s disrespectful and naïve.
The most effective and constructive vibe for career conversations is confident and factual. You want to seem confident that you’ve improved since the last conversation, that you’ve had strong impact, and that you’re expecting a promotion at the next reasonable opportunity. You back up that confidence with facts about what you’ve done differently, the impact you’ve had, and the reasons why you should be considered for a promotion in the specific timeframe you expect. Leave out judgment (aside from how others are judging your work). Leave out emotion (facts, not feelings, support your case).
Your manager’s sense of your career progress is largely based on the facts supporting you and his or her confidence in you. When you project confidence, it takes effort for your manager to rebuff you, especially if you have supporting facts. Instead, managers typically feed off your confidence and use your facts to support your status. Your manager might give you feedback to improve your case or adjust your timing, but instead of holding you back, your manager will be lifting you up.
Eric Aside
For more on career conversations, read What’s your career plan? and Level up.
Good vibes only
The vibe you give off is important and powerful. It signals to others how you are feeling and how they should be feeling. People sense and appreciate authenticity, which is why most of the time you want your vibe to reflect you and your current emotional state. However, there are special circumstances that call for specific vibes. During interviews, you want an “I’m interested” vibe. In a crisis, you want a calm and “in control” vibe. When sharing bad news or constructive feedback, you want a caring vibe. For career progress conversations with your manager, you want a confident and factual vibe.
Shaping your vibe to a special situation isn’t difficult or inauthentic. You should be interested when you interview, you should be calm in a crisis, you should care when sharing tough information, and you should be confident when talking about your hard work. You might have additional feelings in those moments, but make a conscious choice, take some calming breaths, and focus on how you should act when it counts. Doing so can make a big difference for you and the people around you.
Special thanks to Bob Zasio and James Waletzky for reviewing the first draft of this month’s column.
Want personalized coaching on this topic or any other challenge? Schedule a free, confidential call. I provide one-on-one career coaching with an emphasis on underrepresented, midcareer software professionals. Find out more at Ally for Onlys in Tech.
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